When The World Falls Down

Hey, friendos.

So…it’s been a hot minute, huh?

Well, I suppose it’s been nearly a year since we last spoke. And, surprisingly, only a few months since I got my shit together and told you all I’d be taking a break for a while.

The thing is that I never wanted to be gone so long. Honestly. But with how wild the last year’s been, it just kinda…happened.

Past me would have said she was sorry, she’d try harder to keep pushing forward next time.

But current me? Nah. I can’t apologise for taking care of myself, and I won’t.

The thing that stepping back for a while gave me was perspective. And it’s something that I truly, desperately needed. At the start of 2020, I was trying to be everything for everyone. A great blogger, a voice for fat pole dancers, someone who raised awareness of social justice issues, a good freelance content writer, a great partner, a competent adult, and someone mentally stable enough to take care of herself.

It just wasn’t happening.

It’s like that triangle meme that goes around every now and again in the creative world about how projects come together. One corner is “on time”, the other is “on budget”, and the third is “on spec”. And the conundrum always is that you can only choose two. My fellow creatives (and developer types!) will get it.

Except in my case, it was “earn money”, “pursue hobbies”, and “take care of yourself”.

The latter just wasn’t happening.

So, I’m not going to apologise for stepping back so I could find me again. I don’t think any of you would ask me to. At least, I hope not.

And now, here I am. Trying to figure out where I go from here.

Let’s see…what’s new with me?

Oh yeah. I’m bisexual now.

Well, I always was, I guess. I sorta figured out that most straight women don’t have a raging lady crush on Tessa Thompson or Charlise Theron. And then, you know how it is…I started looking back at my childhood, having a sorta-crush on an ex-best friend, feeling weird and awkward around girls I thought were hot, and the penny dropped. So, yeah. This is me coming out to y’all I guess! Happy Pride!

I have a doggo!

Well, you already knew this if you were following me before. Her name’s Suki, and she’s 10 months old. God knows how that happened. Feels like only last week I was wearing shoes around the house because she hadn’t learned when her herding instincts were appropriate to use yet.

Seriously, German Shepherds are great dogs, but guard your ankles if you get one as a puppy.

It’s actually been a really rough ride. That’s not something that you typically hear from people who get puppies, granted. But up until she was around 6 months old, I was really struggling to bond with her. She was stubborn, struggled with her bite inhibition, and was still peeing in the house because she kept forgetting her toilet training. Honestly, raising her was hard.

Thankfully, our hard work paid off. She’s now a gentle, loving, and caring German Shepherd who is so aware of her own strength to the point where she’ll let any dog smaller than her dictate how they play. She loves sofa cuddles and going to daycare, where she can tell off all the rowdy boys that play too rough and upset her puppy friends.

I went back to beginner pole lessons.

Oh my lord, was it awesome to start from the bottom again. Seriously, it’s great re-learning all the stuff I was taught three years ago and focusing on the basics. Mentally it’s a bit tough because I’m 3 1/2 years into pole, and there’s a ton of people who have been doing pole for a lot less longer than me who are shoulder mounting and doing wild flippy shit I don’t have a hope in hell of getting to for years.

But, time away gave me a lot of space to focus on what I want to get out of pole, and that my pole journey is mine alone.

I’ve also started aerial yoga, and I’m really enjoying diversifying my workout time. I’ve been mixing in some Ring Fit Adventure on the Switch too, and I’m hoping once my energy starts returning I can give aerial hoop a try.

I’m considering changing careers.

Stepping away from the blog has given me a lot of space to work out where I am with my career and where I want to be.

And I came to the conclusion that while I like writing, it doesn’t always fulfil me as a career choice.

I mean, it’s entirely likely that my perception will change. I’ve just moved away from a writing platform I did a lot of varied work through because I’ve found a new client who not only pays more but focuses on tech, which is something I’ve ended up specialising in. So far, working with them is a lot more satisfying.

But, saying that, I’m still drawn towards a career in tech. I’ve just started studying cyber security and I’m finding it fascinating. I’m not in any major rush to make a career change just yet, particularly now I’m working with a new client who respects my time and expertise a hell of a lot more. Plus, to say there’s big demand for cyber security professionals, there’s absolutely no cyber security apprenticeships near me. So, yeah.

And, honestly, I can’t think of much else right now.

This past year has been a lot of working through my trauma and mental illnesses and finding myself again. Honestly, it’s been pretty great not to have the pressure of the blog sitting at the back of my head kicking my brain every time I try to relax.

Because, the truth is, I physically and emotionally can’t be everything for everyone. I can’t give Sass and Clacks my all, give my work my all, and expect to have much of me left at the end of it. I can’t work 40+ hour weeks as a freelancer, around 10 hours a week on my blog, keep up with the house, care for the dog, go to pole and aerial classes, and deal with all the other boring adult stuff and not be burned out at the end of it.

I’ve come to accept that now. Some people can work for hours on end, but that’s just not me.

I want to enjoy taking my dog on long walks on a Saturday without worrying about the work that’s waiting for me at home. Hell, I just want to dick around playing video games with my partner and get the chance to relax when my working week’s done. I want to enjoy life without constantly having to update Facebook and Instagram, and without constantly thinking about content ideas.

Because here’s the biggest revelation for me:

Sass and Clacks is my hobby. It’s my release. It’s where I get to write things just for me. No clients, no briefs, no keywords – just me, my thoughts, and my experiences.

It’s not up to me to fit my life around Sass and Clacks. Sass and Clacks, as a labour of love, fits around my life.

I’m not going to do publishing schedules or any of that. At least, not for a long, long time. Right now, I need space to be creative on my own terms and to find the joy in it all again.

So, with all of that out of the way, be excellent to each other, don’t fuck a Tory, and don’t buy Pride merch from corporations who fund anti-LGBTQIA+ politics.

All my love,
Emma x

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